THE BRIEF SURRENDER THAT THE NIGHT BRINGS

 

Fatigue overcoming me. I've always believed in my strength. In me, when motivated. In who I am, in carrying myself forward, even when full of pain, sorrows, sadness that seem like heavy wet clothes that I drag and from which I do not know how to free myself. And it is to this image of fortitude that I have resorted, when the night comes and I let myself cry until I fall asleep. After all, this weakness of which I am also made is swallowing me up and overcoming me by fatigue. 

During the day, I invent new spaces in the existing ones and I turn the furniture, I move it around, I throw away this and that, I try to dress myself with positive thoughts, while changing what has no other way of being. Invent worlds to this. And if there are days that I am capable, there are others that make me feel the smallness of my form, the absence of tools, the fragility that I am.

No, I'm not a rock, or a cockroach, or a rat that continues to perpetuate the days just because. My fuel has always been love for others. Today, love is running out. And I know that I need to duplicate it, and above all address it to myself. I am deserving of love. I'm a force of nature, I'm a human being. Still. Mental exhaustion associated with the exhaustion of possibilities and solutions. 

The exhaustion of others in the exhaustion of me. I feel like I'm on the verge of that surrender. And if, on the one hand, I know that the days are knitted with dreams and goals, on the other hand, a simple pain, in the right place, at the right time, and that's it. Plim. The dream of seeing myself, again, up there, in the light, bathed in the love of the source and this useless body surrendered to the cold of its carcass, freed from this soul that needs to expand, to fly. I was born to fly. And I have never felt so castrated, so imprisoned, so full of the pains of the earth. And as long as I look at everything as a challenge, I drag myself and fight. When the challenge is over, it's over! 

I've exhausted myself in conversations with them, why didn't I leave? Why them? I feel like I don't belong here and this feeling has been with me all my life. I don't belong here. I'm not from here. And if there were times in my life when being here made me smile, seeing the seasons change hue, the animals grow, the bonds strengthen, most of the time, that feeling was present. There is nothing worse than stagnation, harmful rooting. 

This exhaustion, this lack of interest, this amalgam of painful feelings will overwhelm me. And then, I move the furniture, smooth the wood, caress the books, lose myself in the museum of photographs, and go back to caressing them to all those who abandoned me, as if they were shrapnel from a shipwreck that did not survive and I, unfortunately, survived. When the pains overcome me, the longing eats me inside, when the injustices multiply, then I ask to be defeated in this physical body.

I don't buy the medication for my heart or cholesterol, I postpone taking the pill to sleep. I want to demand that my body overcome itself. I force myself to go back to previous stages, I scourge myself with positivities. 

I am truly exhausted. I make my mother fat, I give her strength and will to overcome these weaknesses that life has brought her, I extend a range of possibilities to fight for goals that I say small, that only the small ones on a daily basis allow us to overcome. Step by step. Crumb by crumb. Hour by hour. I try to make the smiles and the sun win us over and grow. And I get drained on myself. Empty. And when night comes, their time comes.

And I can abandon my body, which brings me so much fatigue, carry it. And great-grandfather caresses me with his gaze, chases me and talks to me. -Dad, is there a long way to go? Dad doesn't answer, he just smiles, that enigmatic smile I know so well. When I feel that they wipe away my tears and make me glimpse of peace, that's when I surrender. And I surrender, I surrender to that love in the face of the immensity of the pain I find in my present.