Today is just that, dad

 

Today I am defeated. Yes, Dad, you know how I feel. 

And despite the joy that you taught me to plant, this joy that is mine, innate and that comes from you, Father, is from you that it comes, today it no longer exists. Dry, Dad, I'm dry, exhausted, defeated. I can't get down on my knees, you know I don't have the strength, not today. Hands full of water bubbles and calluses, of cleaning inside and outside, of accompanying those who are paid to cut down trees and brooms, and who even though they are paid, still ask me for this and that, as if on my forehead it said of my goodness, of my soul, father, atone for my soul to abuse me. No, Father, today I can't do it anymore. End of the line, great-grandfather. The gate that my cousin Alfredo broke today has fallen. He fell at my feet, when I still have the car all damaged from the damage he committed, not only to the gate, but to the house, to the money, to my trust. These are too many damages. Everyone abused me.

Dad, the preserved image of my arms around your neck, of telling me that I could be whatever I wanted and I told you, that in addition to being a ballerina and a missionary, I was going to write for the boys, you know dad, I can't write for boys, because you know dad, the boys need beautiful stories,  to believe in the impossible, in dreams, in magic, and that father, I no longer have to give you.

After all, when I said I was going to write to them, it wasn't pretty stories, Dad, they were real stories, of the ugliness of humanity, of these grown children who are happy in the pain of others. You know Dad, I'm so tired of this planet! I am so discredited of this humanity that today father, today, only today I asked you, please, to take me away from here father, take me to see the stars, father, I beg you, with these bubbles in my hand, but more than that, father, with my heart bleeding from the dark color of disappointment, today dad, take me, take me tonight to heaven,  In your arms, father, father, I miss you so much. 

The hours grew like a pack of jackals every day, from seven in the morning on foot, after I had gone to bed at three in the morning. The shower has a short circuit and after the complaint that EDP received about us and that came to be inspected, they also discovered a short circuit in the base of the shower that can compromise some risks in the daily bath. The neighborhood finds happy use in throwing ugly voodoo dolls full of sticky pins into our barbecue, skinned dog skins, filthy garbage bags that they leave outside the container for the dog to drag and scatter them, to watch me pick up their garbage.

Kirie went into heat again and of all the attempts and appeals I made to help me solve her problem, only the IRA answered me, saying they were from Lisbon and could do nothing. Father, Father, what do I do with all this, father? Between hospital emergencies for another urinary infection, the mother continues to throw tantrums, that she doesn't want to eat this or that, just that, feeding her superficiality between the television and the bedroom, always talking about the misfortunes (we learned from her that Daniel Mastral died, who we don't even know who he is) and if it wasn't for Tomás with his peculiar humor,  I would have given up forever, Dad. You said I was strong, you say I can, I take, I drag, dad, it's true, I can, but at what price?

I have a score to settle with Saturn, I need to close myself with him in the room and tell him the stories that are the fragments of my existence that have opened again the wound that does not heal, Dad. Today I am again the sad, wronged, mistreated, abused child, today I don't want to be empathetic, today I just want your lap, Father, your neck, where my spirit can be calmed. Father, today come to watch over my sleep, father, today come and show me your heaven. Let's see if I rest. I need you so much today, Dad.